In these times of humanity, what have you realized? What have you been thinking about? What are you doing? And most importantly. . .
WHO THE @!$% ARE YOU?
Mother Nature has made the call. She is forcing us to go within. She is telling us to look in the mirror.
So, do you like what you see?
For the past eight months, I have been in a quarantine of sorts. Not because I’ve been socially isolated or having to decide what “essentials” are, but because I’ve been in a vortex of self-reflection.
Some days have been liberating.
Some days have been debilitating.
Some days are just like skipping along a forest path and giving zero fucks about anything other than the blissful sunshine.
But, that’s life, isn’t it?!
When we go within, we can discover all kinds of surprises. Patterns that have carved deep grooves into our psyche, thoughts that don’t serve us, belief systems that fail if we look deep into their core, and sometimes, there’s an awakening.
What is your awakening?
The awakening comes when we figure out what has caused the patterns, what has enabled toxic relationships, what has allowed us to tolerate circumstances that we actually don’t like, what are our boundaries and limitations if we really, truly, just listen to our heart-songs and hear nothing but that little person screaming deep within our soul.
Have you been listening?
In my life, I have found myself in situations that don’t serve me. I have loved people that don’t deserve me. I have done things I don’t understand. I have forgiven the unforgivable. I have mastered the inconceivable. I have loved others more than I’ve loved myself.
And I’ve survived it all, which is great, because I’m a survivor.
That is the awakening.
It is also the healing.
Since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to be liked. I have always wanted to be accepted. I have always wanted to be loved. These notions are all part of the human condition that we’re all trying to master, but what I’ve realized is that somewhere, somehow, before I can even remember, I lost myself.
Maybe it happened in a previous life, maybe it’s karma, maybe it’s my genetics, or maybe there was some trauma that triggered this pattern within the patchwork of my soul.
If we can recognize our patterns, we can grow, we can heal, we can be better people, we can relate to others and ourselves in a whole different way. We can even be found.
But, patterns are like allergies, and more often than not, we crave those things that we are actually allergic to. We become too used to the adrenaline, or the sugar rush, or the stress hormones, or the makeup sex and suddenly dis-ease becomes normal. Dis-ease becomes what we crave and we don’t even realize it.
Do you know what your patterns are?
Because I lost myself, I didn’t love myself. Because I didn’t love myself, I got stuck for decades in a pattern of trying to convince people to love me. I always found the haters challenging. I had so much love to give, so why not turn them around? Why not show them so much love that they will reciprocate and finally SEE me? Why not try to teach these dark beings that love conquers all? I am love, after all, and I have so much love to give out into the universe.
This abandonment of self enabled risky decisions, sometimes even put me in bad situations, made me friends with people I shouldn’t be friends with, and slowly chipped away at whatever crumbs I had left of any love for myself. Like a vicious cycle, as patterns are, I kept running around and around giving out all my love to “friends” and lovers over the years and never realized that if I just really, truly loved myself, I shouldn’t need to convince anyone else to feel that way. It wouldn’t even matter.
Then it hit me, I have been doing things the wrong way for a long time.
Instead of starting with myself and emanating that deep love, I tried to give it out first to get it back. I was essentially giving myself for free for what? To feel loved? To feel validated? To feel accepted? But I wasn’t anything except borrowed and spent. No love coming back to me and nothing left to conceive of giving to myself.
When we don’t love ourselves, we don’t know our own self-worth!
When we don’t know our own self-worth, we invite bad energy into our aura. We invite bad people into our hearts. We invite opportunities to be taken advantage of, deceived, and manipulated. We invite reasons to not love ourselves.
After too many years inside this deep pattern, I found myself asking the same question again and again–with oceans of tears and on the brink of insanity. . .
“Why am I not good enough?”
Each time I would wonder what I was doing wrong, what did I need to change about myself, how could I be good enough to make the other person happy? But, the funny thing is, I never cared about my own feelings, and the more I did that, the more I was called selfish. That’s something, isn’t it?! I was my own worst enemy.
Relationships are reflections. Whether it is platonic or romantic, we are mirrors for each other. If I don’t love myself, then I invite others to disrespect me. Narcissists are like moths to a flame if you don’t know your own self-worth. Don’t give them a comfy place to lounge around in or else they will do it, happily, and the pattern continues.
Suddenly, after loops of thoughts deconstructing all these years I’ve spent wondering why I’m not good enough, I have realized that the people who reflect that sentiment DO NOT REFLECT LOVE, which in turn, does not reflect self-love.
The real question all of these years should’ve been:
Are YOU good enough?
In the dawn of this awakening, I have realized that I am on a path of deep healing. I surround myself with people who reflect self-love, self-respect, and self-worth. I don’t need any other reflections deterring me from the love I have inside myself and for myself.
If you are ever finding yourself in situations that question your own self-worth, just remember:
YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!
*I don’t own rights to these pics. They are just beautiful.